I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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