i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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