he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
