giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
