I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
