My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
