We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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