Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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