one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You are a booty call, not a friend.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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