so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize