i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
