I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
