Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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