peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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