The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
