maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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