what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
