I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
