I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
