You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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