im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
