Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
