It's like a parade of train wrecks.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
