I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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