I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
id be glad to
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
