Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
