I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
