I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
