I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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