The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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