Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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