Yo dont text me then not text me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dick very happy bro
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