and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
MIDGETS
????
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
