So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
