just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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