I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
