He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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