I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
