I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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