Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
