I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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