We're like a lot better than the average bears
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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