Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
