i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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