I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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