Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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