Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
