I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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