Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
