my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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