if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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