omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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