i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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