I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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