How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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