I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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