Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
